“As I got older I definitely understood that it was the alcohol. It wasn't a choice that he was necessarily making in himself, that he didn't want to...But when you're little, you don't know...”
-Adele
Adele is an English grammy award-winning singer and songwriter.
Adele’s dad left when she was young. As such, she was raised by a young single mother in multiple working-class neighbourhoods.
In an interview with Oprah, Adele discussed how the hurt and neglect she felt from her father later influenced her relationships, including the end of her marriage.
Adele: “When someone that you love so much, and the more that you feel like they don't love you, you love them even more....
“I was definitely always trying to fill that void. But at the same time, I would expect it to hurt at some point. So I would hurt them first. You know, not in a malicious way. It wasn't malicious; it was just like I had absolutely zero expectations of anybody...
“By having, you know, zero expectations, I wouldn't arrive for them either. Like, you know, we would feed off this energy. So they'd be like, go beyond and make that effort with you, when A you don't seem to want me to, and B ,you're not doing it.”
What Adele discusses is known as “repetition compulsion,” whereby you unconsciously desire to reenact earlier trauma.
However, this compulsion doesn’t help you overcome trauma and could worsen the situation. It occurs when you repeat traumatic behaviors from your past, even when you know it’s not good for you.
Signs of repetition compulsion include:
experiencing recurring dreams
engaging in multiple abusive or toxic relationships during adulthood
engaging in relationships with people who are emotionally distant
having compulsions take precedence over pleasure
repeating the same detrimental behavior without changing anything
feeling destined to an unfavorable fate
However, there are many ways to overcome repetition compulsion, most notably seeking support and talking with a therapist, which is what Adele did. Afterwards, she was able to make peace with her father.
“He [Adele’s father] wished that he'd done what I had been doing for myself you know like, working on myself [going to therapy]. And he was proud of me for doing it, so it was it was very, very healing. But when he died, it was just, it literally was like the wound closed up, and I've been so open..”
-Adele
Adele’s story proves that a difficult childhood does not need to hold you back. By addressing and resolving issues from your past with people you trust, such as friends and professionals, you can become stronger and thrive in life.
If you are ready to take that next step, then visit us for a free consultation.
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